Modern Cumbrian Jokes by Common Culture

Alan CReview by Alan Cleaver

ailable from Florence Arts Centre, Egremont. It’s free while copies last.

Here are some of the jokes from their website ( and the book …

This one’s supposed to be true: A Cumbrian man visiting London got into conversation with a policeman “Busy today isn’t it?” said the policeman. “It would be”, said the man. “There’s a bus in from Bothel”.

I took the mother-in-law to Egremont Crab Fair , she came out with a horse collar, a trophy & a year’s supply of crab legs… I wouldn’t care but she didn’t even enter the gurning contest.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn’t control her pupils.

Got lost driving in thick fog the other day… then seen one of them homemade signs on a bridge that made me realise I must be near Workington… It said “Happy 30th Nanna.”

A marra goes to Workington. After getting a little lost he stops and asks someone. “Eh up marra, can thee tell us if there’s B & Q in Wuk’itun?”
“B and Q? …in Wuk’itun? W…o…r…k…i …nee, there’s no ‘B’ or ‘Q’ in Wuk’itun.”

Two old marras meet up next to a gate in a field and one says t’ tuther:
“Eh up marra, why’s thee gat cow’s muck on thee head?”
“Well,” says t’tuther, “I dropped me cap and it took me five goes to find it!”

A teacher was talking to a class of new pupils. “You boy, who are you?” “Tom, Sir.” Where are you from? “Blannerhasset.”
“How many ‘n’s’ in Blannerhasset,” he said as he wrote what the boy told him.
“I don’t know! There’s more than 5 farms in the village.”

Why did the pie cross the road? It was meat ‘n tatie.

I hear there is a cult in London that worship the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

Having lived a long and happy life, farmer Tom died.
His wife called the Cumberland News requesting that an obituary notice be published in the paper.
Never one to waste words, she asked that the notice simply say ‘Tom Dead’. The lady from the newspaper told her the death notice must contain a minimum of six words. ‘Fine,’ she said ‘make it: Tom Dead. Land Rover for sale.’